Squirrels vs The Matern Family
Accident?
It Started with a Tragic "Accident"
It started back in 2002, when Hugh Matern was trying to "discourage" some squirrels from eating out of his bird feeder. Being the handyman/tinkerer that he was, he figured a low voltage electric current applied to the bird feeder base would serve an efficient detterent mechanism. During the initial voltage and current level testing phase, however, a tragic accident occurred, and an unnamed squirrel was killed.Was it an accident? Maybe. Undoubtedly, relations between the Squirrels and other residents of the Yard, and the Matern Family were never the same.
Word of this discord and strife between the Matern Family and the Squirrel community eventually was picked up by maternews, the Matern Family news agency, and a series of news releases has resulted.
A Theft? Or another "Accident?"
In 2003, shortly after the initial "accident", and after a visit by the Varley Family to Hugh and Lillian in Eagle Grove, Doug Varley realized his watch was missing. Apparently Hugh had mistaken it for his own similar watch, and had been blithely wearing it around the house. Another accident? This time, however, the authorities got involved, and a shadow is cast over Hugh's character.
This was no Accident
Later in 2003, a squirrel somehow got into Hugh and Lillian's basement. They chased it around for awhile, but Dad was an avid gun collector...
New Evidence Uncovered
Mom sent everyone an email, describing an "incident" in the basement of their house. It seems somehow this email found it's way into the possession of the local Police Department, while they were visiting some friends in Arizona..
Dave has Squirrel Issues, too
I try to get along with the squirrels in my yard, but I won't just stand by...
We Can just Get Along OK, maybe
Dave and the residents of the Yard eye each other warily...
MaternFest vs SquirrelFest?
The annual Matern Family Reunion (MaternFest) was scheduled for our Park View house in 2020. Always great fun, unless the Squirrels plan a competing event...
Kind of Feel Bad About This One
We had a Pin Oak tree in front of our house that was a big mess to rake and clean up underneath every year. Maybe I should have just left those acorns alone?
More Trouble in the Yard
The Spring of 2020 was tough for all of us. I'd really neglected the yard spring cleaning, and a mother fox felt free to have a litter of babies underneath the deck, out back. Some Yard residents looked at that as an opportunity, apparently...
A Theft? Or another "Accident?"
In 2003, shortly after the initial "accident", and after a visit by the Varley Family to Hugh and Lillian in Eagle Grove, Doug Varley realized his watch was missing. Apparently Hugh had mistaken it for his own similar watch, and had been blithely wearing it around the house. Another accident? This time, however, the authorities got involved, and a shadow is cast over Hugh's character.
Crime Wave Strikes Small North Central Iowa Town
Doug Varley, a Dubuque, Iowa resident, reported a piece of jewelry turned up missing while staying at the Matern Hotel on Fort Avenue in Eagle Grove, Iowa, this past Fathers Day weekend. According to Mr. Varley, "I took my watch off and set it down, even thinking at the time that I might misplace it if I wasn't careful." However, when the Varleys went to check out of the hotel, it was discovered the watch had disappeared. A thorough search by Mr. Varley failed to turn up the missing timepiece, and Eagle Grove police are now treating the incident as a theft.
Investigation has centered around Hugh Matern, one of the hotel proprietors, and a longtime resident of Eagle Grove. Other hotel guests from that weekend recorded their surprise when the theft report surfaced. "You think you know someone, then something like this happens" said Dave Matern, a hotel guest that weekend, and coincidentally a son of Hugh Matern. "I am pretty sure he already has a watch very similar to the one that is missing. Wow." added Dave Matern.
The watch, although of little monetary value, apparently has some sentimental value to the Varley Family. Hugh Matern was unavailable for comment. Visitors to the Matern Hotel are encouraged to keep an eye on their valuables, pending the expected indictment of Hugh Matern.
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In 2003, shortly after the initial "accident", and after a visit by the Varley Family to Hugh and Lillian in Eagle Grove, Doug Varley realized his watch was missing. Apparently Hugh had mistaken it for his own similar watch, and had been blithely wearing it around the house. Another accident? This time, however, the authorities got involved, and a shadow is cast over Hugh's character.
Crime Wave Strikes Small North Central Iowa Town
Doug Varley, a Dubuque, Iowa resident, reported a piece of jewelry turned up missing while staying at the Matern Hotel on Fort Avenue in Eagle Grove, Iowa, this past Fathers Day weekend. According to Mr. Varley, "I took my watch off and set it down, even thinking at the time that I might misplace it if I wasn't careful." However, when the Varleys went to check out of the hotel, it was discovered the watch had disappeared. A thorough search by Mr. Varley failed to turn up the missing timepiece, and Eagle Grove police are now treating the incident as a theft.
Investigation has centered around Hugh Matern, one of the hotel proprietors, and a longtime resident of Eagle Grove. Other hotel guests from that weekend recorded their surprise when the theft report surfaced. "You think you know someone, then something like this happens" said Dave Matern, a hotel guest that weekend, and coincidentally a son of Hugh Matern. "I am pretty sure he already has a watch very similar to the one that is missing. Wow." added Dave Matern.
The watch, although of little monetary value, apparently has some sentimental value to the Varley Family. Hugh Matern was unavailable for comment. Visitors to the Matern Hotel are encouraged to keep an eye on their valuables, pending the expected indictment of Hugh Matern.
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This was no Accident
In 2003, a squirrel somehow got into Hugh and Lillian's basement. They chased it around for awhile, but Dad was an avid gun collector...
Gruesome Murder Stuns Small North Central Iowa Town
January 30, 2003
Sammy Squirrel, a longtime Eagle Grove resident, was found brutally murdered at about 8:00am this morning. His body was discovered by trash collectors in a trash bin belonging to a neighbor of Sammy Squirrel. Police are treating the crime as a homicide, as the victim was found to shot at point blank range, gangland-style. Police spokesman are quoted as saying, "Sammy didn't show any signs of struggle, so either the victim knew the killer, or was taken by surprise". Ballistics experts speculate that since Sammy was a city squirrel, he knew nothing of human weapons, and was completely unaware of his danger, even as he was being lined up in the killer's sights. The incident recalled a similar crime, also a murder involving a squirrel, that was also committed in the general vicinity of this recent shooting. That death was the result of electrocution, however. Police declined to immediately link the two crimes together, but did say that it was possible the killers were the same. "It could be a coincidence, or it could be a mentally unstable serial-killer type person who has a serious grudge against squirrels, and has just escalated his choice of weaponry" said police spokesman.
Hugh Matern, the owner of the garbage can where the body was found, was briefly considered a suspect in the first electrocution death. The case against him was dropped at that time, however, when several character witnesses came forward to testify that he was an upstanding member of the community, and was not capable of such a gruesome deed. Since then, however, he has been implicated in a jewelry theft, and is also widely known to own various firearms of types similar to the murder weapon. Police are hesitant to file charges at this time, but would like Mr. Matern to come down to the station for "questioning". Hugh Matern was unavailable for comment, but sources close to his immediate family say they are "just sick at heart over the whole thing" and "nobody in our family could be involved in something like that".
The victim was survived by two brothers, also squirrels, who live in trees nearby the site of the slaying. Attempts to get their reaction to the tragedy were unsuccessful, likely due to their inability to speak or communicate with humans in any meaningful way. It was clear they were shook up by the incident, however, as they seemed to quickly scurry away whenever investigating officers tried to tempt them with dry bread crumbs.
The Eagle Grove Police Department is recommending that both wild animals and human beings who live in the west side of town take extra care when going about their daily routine, and report any suspicious activity immediately.
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In 2003, a squirrel somehow got into Hugh and Lillian's basement. They chased it around for awhile, but Dad was an avid gun collector...
Gruesome Murder Stuns Small North Central Iowa Town
January 30, 2003
Sammy Squirrel, a longtime Eagle Grove resident, was found brutally murdered at about 8:00am this morning. His body was discovered by trash collectors in a trash bin belonging to a neighbor of Sammy Squirrel. Police are treating the crime as a homicide, as the victim was found to shot at point blank range, gangland-style. Police spokesman are quoted as saying, "Sammy didn't show any signs of struggle, so either the victim knew the killer, or was taken by surprise". Ballistics experts speculate that since Sammy was a city squirrel, he knew nothing of human weapons, and was completely unaware of his danger, even as he was being lined up in the killer's sights. The incident recalled a similar crime, also a murder involving a squirrel, that was also committed in the general vicinity of this recent shooting. That death was the result of electrocution, however. Police declined to immediately link the two crimes together, but did say that it was possible the killers were the same. "It could be a coincidence, or it could be a mentally unstable serial-killer type person who has a serious grudge against squirrels, and has just escalated his choice of weaponry" said police spokesman.
Hugh Matern, the owner of the garbage can where the body was found, was briefly considered a suspect in the first electrocution death. The case against him was dropped at that time, however, when several character witnesses came forward to testify that he was an upstanding member of the community, and was not capable of such a gruesome deed. Since then, however, he has been implicated in a jewelry theft, and is also widely known to own various firearms of types similar to the murder weapon. Police are hesitant to file charges at this time, but would like Mr. Matern to come down to the station for "questioning". Hugh Matern was unavailable for comment, but sources close to his immediate family say they are "just sick at heart over the whole thing" and "nobody in our family could be involved in something like that".
The victim was survived by two brothers, also squirrels, who live in trees nearby the site of the slaying. Attempts to get their reaction to the tragedy were unsuccessful, likely due to their inability to speak or communicate with humans in any meaningful way. It was clear they were shook up by the incident, however, as they seemed to quickly scurry away whenever investigating officers tried to tempt them with dry bread crumbs.
The Eagle Grove Police Department is recommending that both wild animals and human beings who live in the west side of town take extra care when going about their daily routine, and report any suspicious activity immediately.
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New Evidence Uncovered
Mom sent everyone an email, describing an "incident" in the basement of their house. It seems somehow this email found it's way into the possession of the local Police Department, while they were visiting some friends in Arizona..
Senescent Suspect Identified in Squirrel Slaying Saga
Police uncover new evidence in Sammy Squirrel shooting death
February 9, 2003
New evidence has been uncovered in the ongoing investigation of the Sammy Squirrel shooting. Police served a search warrant over the weekend on the household of Hugh and Lillian Matern, longtime Eagle Grove residents. Incriminating evidence uncovered during the ensuing search of the premises included traces of gunpowder on the basement floor, and a rifle that police ballistics experts say is a match for the murder weapon. However, the most damning evidence was revealed during a search of the hard drive in a computer apparently used by Hugh and Lillian Matern. Unnamed sources report that an email was found containing a description of the events surrounding the murder, and a photo of Sammy Squirrel apparently taken minutes before the act. Although the email apparently exonerates Lillian Matern as a party to the crime, it is expected that indictments will be handed down on both Hugh and Lillian Matern. The couple was not present during the search, and investigators have tracked them to the Phoenix, Arizona area. It is unknown at this time whether they are considered to be on the lam, however police speculate they may be headed for the Mexican border. Their youngest son Dave Matern was reached for comment, however, and was quoted as saying, "I know it looks bad, but in this country you are innocent until proven guilty. When all the facts are in, I know there will be an explanation for this. If they do end up in jail, though, I call first dibs on their coffee table in the living room. That would look sweet in our newly remodeled basement." Maternews was granted an exclusive look at the email and photograh, and has reprinted them below: (excerpted from an email discovered on a computer found on the Matern premises...)
(photo also discovered on a computer found on the Matern premises...)
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Mom sent everyone an email, describing an "incident" in the basement of their house. It seems somehow this email found it's way into the possession of the local Police Department, while they were visiting some friends in Arizona..
Senescent Suspect Identified in Squirrel Slaying Saga
Police uncover new evidence in Sammy Squirrel shooting death
February 9, 2003
New evidence has been uncovered in the ongoing investigation of the Sammy Squirrel shooting. Police served a search warrant over the weekend on the household of Hugh and Lillian Matern, longtime Eagle Grove residents. Incriminating evidence uncovered during the ensuing search of the premises included traces of gunpowder on the basement floor, and a rifle that police ballistics experts say is a match for the murder weapon. However, the most damning evidence was revealed during a search of the hard drive in a computer apparently used by Hugh and Lillian Matern. Unnamed sources report that an email was found containing a description of the events surrounding the murder, and a photo of Sammy Squirrel apparently taken minutes before the act. Although the email apparently exonerates Lillian Matern as a party to the crime, it is expected that indictments will be handed down on both Hugh and Lillian Matern. The couple was not present during the search, and investigators have tracked them to the Phoenix, Arizona area. It is unknown at this time whether they are considered to be on the lam, however police speculate they may be headed for the Mexican border. Their youngest son Dave Matern was reached for comment, however, and was quoted as saying, "I know it looks bad, but in this country you are innocent until proven guilty. When all the facts are in, I know there will be an explanation for this. If they do end up in jail, though, I call first dibs on their coffee table in the living room. That would look sweet in our newly remodeled basement." Maternews was granted an exclusive look at the email and photograh, and has reprinted them below: (excerpted from an email discovered on a computer found on the Matern premises...)
Hi again.
I don't know how many of you heard our "Squirrel Saga" from last Friday, so I'll try to give a brief account and send an accompanying picture of "said squirrel". Friday morning I happened to spot a squirrel trying to get a drink from the basement stool, so Dad and I swung into action!!
I propped open the back storm door, hung a blanket over the railing, etc. making it a straight shot up the stairs and out the door. However, if you've ever tried to HERD A SQUIRREL, you can imagine what followed! Dad was armed with a broom and I had a mop - and we chased all around the basement, poking and prodding under all the "stuff" lining all the walls - whooping and hollering - to no avail.
At one point, the squirrel hopped onto Dad's chest and from there went into the "saw room". We finally decided that we'd never get it herded out the door, so we thought of trying to borrow a "live trap" somewhere. Dad called the police, but the 2 traps they had were loaned out (and they really weren't too concerned that we had a squirrel running amok in our basement.) Finally Rose located one from an Asche family and arranged for us to go pick it up. SOOO - we got it set up in the basement, and I baited it with some walnut shells with peanut butter on them and Dad put a drink of water in the trap - and we set it and left the squirrel to do it's own thing for a couple hours. Then when Dad went back down to see if we had trapped the squirrel, he came back upstairs and said "You won't believe what that son-of-a b---- has done!!"
I had put the peanutty shells on a square of paper towel, and the squirrel was smart enough to just pull the towel through the mesh of the trap and eat his fill from OUTSIDE THE TRAP! That was his BIG MISTAKE, though. From then on, Dad declared WAR. He loaded a 22- rifle with bird shot and when the squirrel came out of the saw room (probably to get a drink out of the stool again) Dad nailed him in the head with one shot. Dad said there was no danger of ricochet, as the bird shot was more like powdery shot --- but he also said it was not a sporting event ---- just plain murder!! Anyway, we don't know how it got into the basement, but we do know how it got out. The picture below shows the squirrel enjoying his last meal (thus sealing his own fate.) Enough of this. Talk later.
Love you all, Mom and Dad M.
(photo also discovered on a computer found on the Matern premises...)
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Dave has Squirrel Issues, too
I try to get along with the squirrels in my yard, but I won't just stand by...
Anti-Squirrel Terror Mars Eastern Iowa Neighborhood Calm
May 19, 2005
Saddam Squirrel, a Park View, IA resident, has been the victim of what have been described by witnesses as increasingly "wild" and "berserk" attacks by his neighbor, Dave Matern. Since Matern has so far not actually perpetrated any physical violence against Saddam Squirrel, no formal charges have been levied.
However, since Saddam Squirrel is a black squirrel, Matern's threatening behavior may be found to be criminal under Iowa's Hate Crime laws.
Saddam Squirrel lives in a pin oak tree in front of Matern's house in the small community of Park View, in eastern Iowa. "I moved into that tree a couple of years ago, when I first left my parent's nest" said Saddam Squirrel "Dave and I got along great for awhile. Lately, though, every time he sees me, he starts yelling and screaming and chasing me."
"That tree rat has been raiding my bird feeders, and he digs holes in the planters sitting outside the back of my house. I guess I can understand why he goes after the bird food, but why dig in my planters? It's just malicious destruction, and yes, I will go after him if he comes on my property again." responded Matern.
Mr. Matern's family history is colored with anti-squirrel violence. Dave Matern's father, Hugh Matern, has been suspected of rodent rage on more than one occasion. In one celebrated instance, Hugh Matern and his wife Lillian were prime suspects in the shooting death of Sammy Squirrel, in Eagle Grove, Iowa. Charges were eventually dropped, however, when it was determined that search warrants had been illegally obtained.
"Yeah, I heard about how his old man beat the rap in that Sammy Squirrel deal." acknowledged Saddam Squirrel "It just goes to show that a black squirrel can't get a fair shake in the American justice system. I don't know if he [Dave Matern] inherited some predisposition to violence against squirrels. I do know the guy came at me with a broom, and I don't think he was just tidying up. I could see it in his eyes. It was blood-curdling, I tell you."
Ramona Robin, a witness to the attacks, agrees. "Oh, he definitely meant to kill him." Ms. Robin says. "He came running out of his back door with a broom, swinging wildly at Saddam Squirrel. Saddam climbed up the deck, right by my nest, and Matern started jabbing the broom at him. I know I was scared as hell, but I've got kids in the nest that I couldn't leave unprotected."
Ms. Robin did confirm that Saddam Squirrel had been raiding the bird feeder. "Yes, he steals from the bird feeder all the time. And Matern only fills that feeder every other week or so. I don't want to see any harm done to the squirrel, but I hope he stays away. I'm afraid of what Matern might be capable of."
Saddam Squirrel did not deny the accusations, and instead claimed that denying him access to the bird feeder was discrimination. "It's not because I'm a squirrel, but because I'm a black squirrel" exclaimed Squirrel. Though a minority, black squirrels are not uncommon throughout the American Midwest.
"That is ridiculous. I'm not a racist!" Matern defended himself. "I have no problems with any squirrel, black or grey or purple, as long as they stay out of my bird feeders and planters."
The Scott County Sheriff's office did not return phone calls, but neighborhood residents have noticed an increased police presence in the area.
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I try to get along with the squirrels in my yard, but I won't just stand by...
Anti-Squirrel Terror Mars Eastern Iowa Neighborhood Calm
May 19, 2005
Saddam Squirrel, a Park View, IA resident, has been the victim of what have been described by witnesses as increasingly "wild" and "berserk" attacks by his neighbor, Dave Matern. Since Matern has so far not actually perpetrated any physical violence against Saddam Squirrel, no formal charges have been levied.
However, since Saddam Squirrel is a black squirrel, Matern's threatening behavior may be found to be criminal under Iowa's Hate Crime laws.
Saddam Squirrel lives in a pin oak tree in front of Matern's house in the small community of Park View, in eastern Iowa. "I moved into that tree a couple of years ago, when I first left my parent's nest" said Saddam Squirrel "Dave and I got along great for awhile. Lately, though, every time he sees me, he starts yelling and screaming and chasing me."
"That tree rat has been raiding my bird feeders, and he digs holes in the planters sitting outside the back of my house. I guess I can understand why he goes after the bird food, but why dig in my planters? It's just malicious destruction, and yes, I will go after him if he comes on my property again." responded Matern.
Mr. Matern's family history is colored with anti-squirrel violence. Dave Matern's father, Hugh Matern, has been suspected of rodent rage on more than one occasion. In one celebrated instance, Hugh Matern and his wife Lillian were prime suspects in the shooting death of Sammy Squirrel, in Eagle Grove, Iowa. Charges were eventually dropped, however, when it was determined that search warrants had been illegally obtained.
"Yeah, I heard about how his old man beat the rap in that Sammy Squirrel deal." acknowledged Saddam Squirrel "It just goes to show that a black squirrel can't get a fair shake in the American justice system. I don't know if he [Dave Matern] inherited some predisposition to violence against squirrels. I do know the guy came at me with a broom, and I don't think he was just tidying up. I could see it in his eyes. It was blood-curdling, I tell you."
Ramona Robin, a witness to the attacks, agrees. "Oh, he definitely meant to kill him." Ms. Robin says. "He came running out of his back door with a broom, swinging wildly at Saddam Squirrel. Saddam climbed up the deck, right by my nest, and Matern started jabbing the broom at him. I know I was scared as hell, but I've got kids in the nest that I couldn't leave unprotected."
Ms. Robin did confirm that Saddam Squirrel had been raiding the bird feeder. "Yes, he steals from the bird feeder all the time. And Matern only fills that feeder every other week or so. I don't want to see any harm done to the squirrel, but I hope he stays away. I'm afraid of what Matern might be capable of."
Saddam Squirrel did not deny the accusations, and instead claimed that denying him access to the bird feeder was discrimination. "It's not because I'm a squirrel, but because I'm a black squirrel" exclaimed Squirrel. Though a minority, black squirrels are not uncommon throughout the American Midwest.
"That is ridiculous. I'm not a racist!" Matern defended himself. "I have no problems with any squirrel, black or grey or purple, as long as they stay out of my bird feeders and planters."
The Scott County Sheriff's office did not return phone calls, but neighborhood residents have noticed an increased police presence in the area.
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We Can Just Get Along OK, maybe
Dave and the residents of the Yard eye each other warily
Cease Fire Eases Squirrel – Human Tensions
June 20, 2005
An informal cease fire brought an end today to hostilities that had briefly flared up between squirrel and human residents of a Park View, IA home some weeks ago. Officials are hopeful this can lead to a formal truce signed by both parties at some future date.
"Cease Fire? If you mean Matern has stopped chasing me around with a mop, then I guess you can call that a cease fire. When he stopped putting food in the bird feeder, I had to stay with my Mom and Dad in the Scott County park for awhile. So yeah, I guess we had a “cease fire”. Whatever," a disgusted Saddam Squirrel responded "That pin oak in the front yard is my home, though, and I've got to start burying food in the yard for next winter. If he gets in my way, you can kiss the “cease-fire” goodbye. And I’m not signing any formal "truce" papers, either," added Saddam Squirrel.
"It’s true, I couldn’t catch him with a mop," explained Dave Matern, landlord of the Park View, IA residence and yard "I didn’t try too hard, though, and I was not willing to let things escalate into traps or poison. Or guns." "The sins of the father will not be visited on the son. Stop the violence, and let’s work this out peacefully," pleaded an emotional Matern.
"And as far as dicriminating against animals goes, I don’t how many of the yard residents know this, but I had 4 baby rabbits living in a hole in my front yard. I could easily have run them over with a lawn mower. But did I harm them in any way? No. As far as I know they are still out there thriving on a diet of my basil and flowers, busy digging new holes in my yard every day," an obviously upset Matern asserted.
Matern further defended himself, "No, I haven’t put out bird seed lately, but I have to say it’s disgraceful how the residents of the yard treat those bird feeders. They fight each other over the bird food, and then crap all over the place. How come that story never makes the maternews headlines?"
"Live and let live, I always say. I only ask that we don’t trash the place while we do it."
Yard residents are uneasy despite the calm.
Ralph Rabbit, a longtime resident of the Park View area yard, said, "Look, you’ve got the humans, and you’ve got the animals. The humans are sitting in their house with their air conditioning. I bet they have a refrigerator full of gourmet grass in there, too. Us animals sit out here, day and night, and eat whatever brown grass we can scrounge up. As the gap between the haves and the have-nots grows, this summer heat is creating a powder keg ready to explode out here."
Officials are cautiously optimistic that a Matern promise to buy some gourmet grass for the yard residents will ease tensions somewhat in the coming weeks, but are still keeping a close eye on this developing situation.
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Dave and the residents of the Yard eye each other warily
Cease Fire Eases Squirrel – Human Tensions
June 20, 2005
An informal cease fire brought an end today to hostilities that had briefly flared up between squirrel and human residents of a Park View, IA home some weeks ago. Officials are hopeful this can lead to a formal truce signed by both parties at some future date.
"Cease Fire? If you mean Matern has stopped chasing me around with a mop, then I guess you can call that a cease fire. When he stopped putting food in the bird feeder, I had to stay with my Mom and Dad in the Scott County park for awhile. So yeah, I guess we had a “cease fire”. Whatever," a disgusted Saddam Squirrel responded "That pin oak in the front yard is my home, though, and I've got to start burying food in the yard for next winter. If he gets in my way, you can kiss the “cease-fire” goodbye. And I’m not signing any formal "truce" papers, either," added Saddam Squirrel.
"It’s true, I couldn’t catch him with a mop," explained Dave Matern, landlord of the Park View, IA residence and yard "I didn’t try too hard, though, and I was not willing to let things escalate into traps or poison. Or guns." "The sins of the father will not be visited on the son. Stop the violence, and let’s work this out peacefully," pleaded an emotional Matern.
"And as far as dicriminating against animals goes, I don’t how many of the yard residents know this, but I had 4 baby rabbits living in a hole in my front yard. I could easily have run them over with a lawn mower. But did I harm them in any way? No. As far as I know they are still out there thriving on a diet of my basil and flowers, busy digging new holes in my yard every day," an obviously upset Matern asserted.
Matern further defended himself, "No, I haven’t put out bird seed lately, but I have to say it’s disgraceful how the residents of the yard treat those bird feeders. They fight each other over the bird food, and then crap all over the place. How come that story never makes the maternews headlines?"
"Live and let live, I always say. I only ask that we don’t trash the place while we do it."
Yard residents are uneasy despite the calm.
Ralph Rabbit, a longtime resident of the Park View area yard, said, "Look, you’ve got the humans, and you’ve got the animals. The humans are sitting in their house with their air conditioning. I bet they have a refrigerator full of gourmet grass in there, too. Us animals sit out here, day and night, and eat whatever brown grass we can scrounge up. As the gap between the haves and the have-nots grows, this summer heat is creating a powder keg ready to explode out here."
Officials are cautiously optimistic that a Matern promise to buy some gourmet grass for the yard residents will ease tensions somewhat in the coming weeks, but are still keeping a close eye on this developing situation.
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MaternFest vs SquirrelFest?
The annual Matern Family Reunion (MaternFest) was scheduled for our Park View house in 2020. Always great fun, unless the Squirrels plan a competing event...
SquirrelFest 2010 Announced
Local squirrel clan plans Family Reunion
June 23, 2010
A prominent local rodent tribe, the Squirrels, announced today that SquirrelFest, the annual family gathering of the primarily Midwest-based mammals of the order Rodentia, will be held at the Park View, IA residence of Saddam Squirrel, on August 14th-15th.
SquirrelFest 2010, as the event has been christened, is expected to attract a variety of members of the extended Squirrel family, with some traveling from as far away as Minnesota, California, and Spain. The travel details of these small, mainly quadripedal gnawing and nibbling animal visitors was not immediately made clear.
Saddam Squirrel, host of this year's annual event, was reportedly "fired up" and "jazzed" regarding the prospect of a large number of his family descending upon the eastern Iowa town of Park View for the festivities. Mr. Squirrel, a resident of the pin oak tree in the front yard of Dave and Mun Matern, has been seen busily scurrying about in an excited manner, and digging extra holes in Mr and Mrs Matern's potted plants in apparent preparation for the event. Mr. Squirrel was not immediately available for comment, but Dave Matern was able to confirm the presence of the extra holes. "Yeah, I've got a few potted plants set out and it does look like somebody dug holes in them. I assume it was the squirrel, but I haven't spoken to him about it. There is a bit of a language barrier there." said Mr. Matern.
Ralph Rabbit, friend of the Squirrel family, however, did relate some concerns he had around the event, citing latent "tensions" between the Matern and Squirrel families, and wondered if the front yard of a Matern residence was the best place for a Squirrel family reunion. "Jeez, couldn't they have picked a less antagonistic location for their get-together?" said Mr. Rabbit. "These two families have a history going way back. There hasn't been any violence lately, but I'm just sayin', you know?"
A notorious 2003 Matern v. Squirrel family brouhaha culiminated in the shooting slaying of one Sammy Squirrel, of Eagle Grove, Iowa. Mr. Hugh Matern was implicated, but evidence was not forthcoming, and formal charges were dropped. Since then an only sometimes quiet truce has existed between the two families, but some say trouble is always simmering just below the surface. "I just don't like that guy." commented Ramona Robin, another long time resident of the Matern yard, in reference to Dave Matern. "He only occasionally fills his bird feeders, and seems to get unneccesarily upset when me and the other birds crap on his grill. What are we supposed to do? Dig a hole in the ground?"
When pressed for a response, an obviously annoyed Mr. Matern responded that he had always tried to maintain a "live and let live" approach to human/animal relations, but added, more ominously "...maybe it's time these ingrates learned a lesson about who really owns this yard..."
We can only hope that summer tempers remain stable as summer temperatures climb.
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The annual Matern Family Reunion (MaternFest) was scheduled for our Park View house in 2020. Always great fun, unless the Squirrels plan a competing event...
SquirrelFest 2010 Announced
Local squirrel clan plans Family Reunion
June 23, 2010
A prominent local rodent tribe, the Squirrels, announced today that SquirrelFest, the annual family gathering of the primarily Midwest-based mammals of the order Rodentia, will be held at the Park View, IA residence of Saddam Squirrel, on August 14th-15th.
SquirrelFest 2010, as the event has been christened, is expected to attract a variety of members of the extended Squirrel family, with some traveling from as far away as Minnesota, California, and Spain. The travel details of these small, mainly quadripedal gnawing and nibbling animal visitors was not immediately made clear.
Saddam Squirrel, host of this year's annual event, was reportedly "fired up" and "jazzed" regarding the prospect of a large number of his family descending upon the eastern Iowa town of Park View for the festivities. Mr. Squirrel, a resident of the pin oak tree in the front yard of Dave and Mun Matern, has been seen busily scurrying about in an excited manner, and digging extra holes in Mr and Mrs Matern's potted plants in apparent preparation for the event. Mr. Squirrel was not immediately available for comment, but Dave Matern was able to confirm the presence of the extra holes. "Yeah, I've got a few potted plants set out and it does look like somebody dug holes in them. I assume it was the squirrel, but I haven't spoken to him about it. There is a bit of a language barrier there." said Mr. Matern.
Ralph Rabbit, friend of the Squirrel family, however, did relate some concerns he had around the event, citing latent "tensions" between the Matern and Squirrel families, and wondered if the front yard of a Matern residence was the best place for a Squirrel family reunion. "Jeez, couldn't they have picked a less antagonistic location for their get-together?" said Mr. Rabbit. "These two families have a history going way back. There hasn't been any violence lately, but I'm just sayin', you know?"
A notorious 2003 Matern v. Squirrel family brouhaha culiminated in the shooting slaying of one Sammy Squirrel, of Eagle Grove, Iowa. Mr. Hugh Matern was implicated, but evidence was not forthcoming, and formal charges were dropped. Since then an only sometimes quiet truce has existed between the two families, but some say trouble is always simmering just below the surface. "I just don't like that guy." commented Ramona Robin, another long time resident of the Matern yard, in reference to Dave Matern. "He only occasionally fills his bird feeders, and seems to get unneccesarily upset when me and the other birds crap on his grill. What are we supposed to do? Dig a hole in the ground?"
When pressed for a response, an obviously annoyed Mr. Matern responded that he had always tried to maintain a "live and let live" approach to human/animal relations, but added, more ominously "...maybe it's time these ingrates learned a lesson about who really owns this yard..."
We can only hope that summer tempers remain stable as summer temperatures climb.
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Kind of Feel Bad About This One
We had a Pin Oak tree in front of our house that was a big mess to rake and clean up underneath every year. Maybe I should have just left those acorns alone?
Economy, Acorn Mismanagement Affecting Eastern Iowa Squirrels
Sluggish economy, and careless acorn handling procedures continue to dog a Park View, IA, squirrel couple
October 27th, 2010
Saddam and Margaret Squirrel, residents of a pin oak tree on the property of Park View resident Dave Matern, say they have been particularly hard hit recently.
"We have really been working hard the past month or so, running around the neighborhood, gathering and burying acorns", reported Saddam. "Margaret was laid off from the John Deere plant last September, and with the prices of acorns what they are, whatever we gather and bury is going to have to last us through the winter. We were doing OK, mostly. We would gather acorns all morning, and still have some time to dig in flower pots and eat out of bird feeders in the afternoon."
"We had to tighten our tiny little belts, but we were getting by," added Margaret.
Then, tragedy struck, in the form of a meddling property owner. "It was a couple of Saturdays ago, when Matern apparently decided to rake up all the leaves and loose vegetation in his yard," Saddam remembered. "I've never understood what the point of that was," interjected Margaret.
Then, as Saddam describes, something strange and terrible occurred: "He had raked up all the leaves under the oak tree, and had really went at it. He had raked up a huge pile of acorns too, along with the leaves. A lot of acorns. It was something to see. Margaret and I were high-fiving each other, and making plans for that pile of acorns."
Then, as Margaret and Saddam looked on in horror, Mr. Matern gathered up all the leaves, and acorns, put them in a box, and drove away with them.
"We could not believe what we were seeing," said Saddam. A teary-eyed Margaret recounted, "I just wanted to cry. It was so unnecessary." "I came this close to running out into the yard and biting him on the ankle," a still furious Saddam spat, "but we know how Squirrel-Matern dealings can turn violent. Deadly violent."
When asked how they plan to get through what could be another tough winter, Margaret sighed. "We'll make it, god willing. We did get some acorns put away, and I'll still be collecting unemployment until the spring." "We'll get by somehow, no thanks to that shambling lout who threw away our best acorns," replied Saddam. "We're squirrels, and damn proud to be squirrels, and we'll be just fine."
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We had a Pin Oak tree in front of our house that was a big mess to rake and clean up underneath every year. Maybe I should have just left those acorns alone?
Economy, Acorn Mismanagement Affecting Eastern Iowa Squirrels
Sluggish economy, and careless acorn handling procedures continue to dog a Park View, IA, squirrel couple
October 27th, 2010
Saddam and Margaret Squirrel, residents of a pin oak tree on the property of Park View resident Dave Matern, say they have been particularly hard hit recently.
"We have really been working hard the past month or so, running around the neighborhood, gathering and burying acorns", reported Saddam. "Margaret was laid off from the John Deere plant last September, and with the prices of acorns what they are, whatever we gather and bury is going to have to last us through the winter. We were doing OK, mostly. We would gather acorns all morning, and still have some time to dig in flower pots and eat out of bird feeders in the afternoon."
"We had to tighten our tiny little belts, but we were getting by," added Margaret.
Then, tragedy struck, in the form of a meddling property owner. "It was a couple of Saturdays ago, when Matern apparently decided to rake up all the leaves and loose vegetation in his yard," Saddam remembered. "I've never understood what the point of that was," interjected Margaret.
Then, as Saddam describes, something strange and terrible occurred: "He had raked up all the leaves under the oak tree, and had really went at it. He had raked up a huge pile of acorns too, along with the leaves. A lot of acorns. It was something to see. Margaret and I were high-fiving each other, and making plans for that pile of acorns."
Then, as Margaret and Saddam looked on in horror, Mr. Matern gathered up all the leaves, and acorns, put them in a box, and drove away with them.
"We could not believe what we were seeing," said Saddam. A teary-eyed Margaret recounted, "I just wanted to cry. It was so unnecessary." "I came this close to running out into the yard and biting him on the ankle," a still furious Saddam spat, "but we know how Squirrel-Matern dealings can turn violent. Deadly violent."
When asked how they plan to get through what could be another tough winter, Margaret sighed. "We'll make it, god willing. We did get some acorns put away, and I'll still be collecting unemployment until the spring." "We'll get by somehow, no thanks to that shambling lout who threw away our best acorns," replied Saddam. "We're squirrels, and damn proud to be squirrels, and we'll be just fine."
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More Trouble in the Yard
The Spring of 2020 was tough for all of us. I'd really neglected the yard spring cleaning, and a mother fox felt free to have a litter of babies underneath the deck, out back. Some Yard residents looked at my absence as an opportunity, apparently...
Rumors Swirl During Yard Leadership Vacuum
April 28th, 2020
Activity in the Yard, by occupants of the House, has been noticeably curtailed of late, and rumors are swirling that the current governing regime has abdicated authority. A family of foxes has taken up an undisturbed residence under the back deck, further highlighting what seems more and more like a state of anarchy in the Yard, so far this Spring.
"Usually he's out here raking and planting stuff, but we've barely seen him around lately" reports Walter Woodchuck, longtime Yard resident "Some ants went in and looked around, and came back out and said there was a weird vibe. They really seemed on edge about something in there"
Most Yard residents just chalk up the apparent lack of effort to the general indolence the current administration is well noted for. A spokesman for the local Squirrel clan said that "We all know he's pretty lazy, but this current lack of effort seems particularly flagrant. I mean, we already dug up and ate those tulip bulbs he planted last fall. We're doing our part"
"We mostly want to be left alone to run our own affairs. We think if we sat down, we could work out a transition of authority in a peaceful manner. However, we would need to see those birdfeeders re-supplied, before we agree to anything" said Christine Cardinal, a representative of the Cardinal community.
A chipmunk, who declined to give his name, said he didn't have any problems with the occupants of the House, but reported that "not everyone in the Yard feels the same way" and refused to elaborate. During the interview, the chipmunk seemed visibly nervous and twitchy, and scampered away. It should be noted, however, that chipmunks always seem nervous and twitchy, and will generally scamper away.
"Hell yeah, we're takin' over this Yard!" shouted a nearby squirrel wearing a "MYGA" hat, who identified himself as Lamar F Squirrel. "We're runnin' the show now, and there ain't a dang thing they can do about it" Several empty beer cans were spotted nearby, and Mr Squirrel appeared to be slurring his words, though that was admittedly hard to discern, being mostly chirps and high pitched squeaking. Other squirrels referred to the historical rancor that exists between the Squirrels and the Matern Family. "You think we forgot about that time the old man shot Sammy in cold blood? This is our chance for revenge, while they're weak!" shouted a young squirrel. A number of squirrels were conspicuous in camouflage fatigues and tiny little "Che Guevara" berets.
Military experts have suggested that if the foxes and the squirrels could somehow unify their efforts, their combined strength might be enough to storm the House, and overwhelm the occupants. Those same experts did also say that the bits of squirrel fur and bones near the foxes entrance under the deck make this type of cooperation unlikely, however.
Reached for comment, Dave Matern, owner of both the House and the Yard, would only say that "I haven't been to the Garden Center, and I just haven't got around to getting out in the Yard yet. Yes, we've seen Mrs Fox, and the baby foxes under the deck, and I can smell a dead animal under there, too. They want to sit down and negotiate? How would that even work? Maybe I'll fill the birdfeeder again at some point, but maybe I won't. I'm not going to be intimidated, I know that. By the way, tell that cardinal to stop shitting on my car".
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The Spring of 2020 was tough for all of us. I'd really neglected the yard spring cleaning, and a mother fox felt free to have a litter of babies underneath the deck, out back. Some Yard residents looked at my absence as an opportunity, apparently...
Rumors Swirl During Yard Leadership Vacuum
April 28th, 2020
Activity in the Yard, by occupants of the House, has been noticeably curtailed of late, and rumors are swirling that the current governing regime has abdicated authority. A family of foxes has taken up an undisturbed residence under the back deck, further highlighting what seems more and more like a state of anarchy in the Yard, so far this Spring.
"Usually he's out here raking and planting stuff, but we've barely seen him around lately" reports Walter Woodchuck, longtime Yard resident "Some ants went in and looked around, and came back out and said there was a weird vibe. They really seemed on edge about something in there"
Most Yard residents just chalk up the apparent lack of effort to the general indolence the current administration is well noted for. A spokesman for the local Squirrel clan said that "We all know he's pretty lazy, but this current lack of effort seems particularly flagrant. I mean, we already dug up and ate those tulip bulbs he planted last fall. We're doing our part"
"We mostly want to be left alone to run our own affairs. We think if we sat down, we could work out a transition of authority in a peaceful manner. However, we would need to see those birdfeeders re-supplied, before we agree to anything" said Christine Cardinal, a representative of the Cardinal community.
A chipmunk, who declined to give his name, said he didn't have any problems with the occupants of the House, but reported that "not everyone in the Yard feels the same way" and refused to elaborate. During the interview, the chipmunk seemed visibly nervous and twitchy, and scampered away. It should be noted, however, that chipmunks always seem nervous and twitchy, and will generally scamper away.
"Hell yeah, we're takin' over this Yard!" shouted a nearby squirrel wearing a "MYGA" hat, who identified himself as Lamar F Squirrel. "We're runnin' the show now, and there ain't a dang thing they can do about it" Several empty beer cans were spotted nearby, and Mr Squirrel appeared to be slurring his words, though that was admittedly hard to discern, being mostly chirps and high pitched squeaking. Other squirrels referred to the historical rancor that exists between the Squirrels and the Matern Family. "You think we forgot about that time the old man shot Sammy in cold blood? This is our chance for revenge, while they're weak!" shouted a young squirrel. A number of squirrels were conspicuous in camouflage fatigues and tiny little "Che Guevara" berets.
Military experts have suggested that if the foxes and the squirrels could somehow unify their efforts, their combined strength might be enough to storm the House, and overwhelm the occupants. Those same experts did also say that the bits of squirrel fur and bones near the foxes entrance under the deck make this type of cooperation unlikely, however.
Reached for comment, Dave Matern, owner of both the House and the Yard, would only say that "I haven't been to the Garden Center, and I just haven't got around to getting out in the Yard yet. Yes, we've seen Mrs Fox, and the baby foxes under the deck, and I can smell a dead animal under there, too. They want to sit down and negotiate? How would that even work? Maybe I'll fill the birdfeeder again at some point, but maybe I won't. I'm not going to be intimidated, I know that. By the way, tell that cardinal to stop shitting on my car".
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